Some computer science PJs

Courtesy : Ramprasad, Deepanjan

One day Deepanjan (a PhD student at IITK) and I were waiting for a bus
and we started coming up with CS PJs. Needless to say, they were
complete kundis! Thought I'll share the madness with you guys as well.
----------

P and NP walk into a bar and order the same cider each. The bartender
prepares one of them and place it on the table. P looks at NP and
asks, "Is this yours or mine?" and NP replies "Mine, I guess".
-------------

People are sitting in a bar, and Balanced-Paranthesis walks in and
shouts "Yabbadabbadooo". The bartender asks someone, "What's with that
guy?". "Oh him... he's context free".
---------------

A prof is taking attendance and shouts, "Palindromes...... (no
response) ... Palindromes ....(again nothing).... Can someone tell me
why palindromes isn't here?" and some student replies "He is not
regular sir".

--------------
A prof asks a student "what is 6x6" and gets the answer "32" from him.
And the prof still gives him some marks because he was only off by a
bit.

------------
(this srikanth and I were talking about someday) Someone asks me whom
I work under and I reply, "RP is in MA of course!" ( hint : Ramprasad works with Manindra Agrawal )

----------------------
(okay, a really horrible that I came up with while composing this
mail) P is walking in an alley and some suspicious guys are following
him. He starts running and those guys pursue. P gets very tense and
suddenly discovers his new power and starts tossing coins at them. The
robbers just run for those coins and P escapes. Someone who saw this
asks him what happeend and how he got these powers. And P replies,
"I'm P. But when I am tense, I become BPP"
 -------------------
 If a guy named Franklin Joe shows that graph isomorphism is in P, what
would he be called? GI-Joe!
----------------------


A chemistry student was studying the acidity of some compound and he
found it to be very alkaline. Meanwhile, some other CS grad student
managed to show that NP \subseteq P/poly. Suddenly the chemistyr
student foudn that his compound was very acidic. Why?
Because pH collapsed

-----------------------------
An immortal SMS by Rahul Muthu:
Hey, what did Manindra and co prove in 2002? I got an oxford
dictionary which is a 1960 edition, and even there 'Primes' is in P!
--------------------------------


Another one by Rahul Muthu:
A bunch of mathematicians were going for a cycle race in a forest. All
of them made it more or less on time but one of them finished the race
VERY late. When asked why, he explained that he walked the course. He
was a graph theorist, and thought cycles weren't allowed in forests.
--------------------------
P is late for class but has to head back for lunch. He rushes into the
lab and shouts "hey, can someone lend me their cycle?". Hamilton
offers his keys and P replies "No no, you keep yours. I can't find
your goddamn cycle. I'll take Euler's"

Math humour

http://nfccomic.com/comics/205.jpg

A humourous quote

I read this quote on iitb.h posted by prof soumen.
--------------------
Reality is delirium caused by acute alcohol deficiency
--------------------

Joke : Why men don't write advice columns

After a long time I have read some awesome piece of humour on iitb.humour. Following is a copy from iitb.h
---------
Why men don't write advice columns
>
> Dear Walter:
> I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work
leaving my
> husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone
more than a
> mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a
> halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got
home I
> couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor
lady .
> I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve
years.
> When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been
having an
> affair for the past six months.
> I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his
job six
> months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly
depressed and
> worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the
ultimatum
> he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get
through to
> him anymore.
> Can you please help?
> Sincerely,
> Mrs... Sheila Usk
>
>
> Dear Sheila:
> A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused
by a
> variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there
is no
> debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips
holding
> the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these
approaches
> solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty,
> causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
> I hope this helps.
> Walter
---------------------

Original Joke : Google bhi bandh hai

Well,
It has be a really long time since I have posted anything humorous on my blog. It may be indicative of the fact that life at IIT Bombay was more fun as compared to life at IIT Kanpur.

Anyways, the other day Sameer, Anshul, Sourabh and I were discussing about how people working in software industry themselves are ignorant about how some software related technology works. Anshul depicted the following incident happening at a company his friend was working for :
----------------------------------------------------
Guy 1: Kya yaar, kya kar raha hai?
Guy 2 : kya kar sakte hai?? sala aaj internet bandh hai.
Guy 1: Abe internet to chhodo Google bhi bandh hai ( :-O :-D )
----------------------------------------------------
It may not sound much funny right now, but it surely was when Anshul was telling it to us.
--Saurabh

Funny greeting cards

Hi all,
I got this one from iitb.humour.

------------
1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now
that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me ..

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably
need it again.

5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your
promise.

7. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

8. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there
was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often .

9. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

10. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help
but wonder.....
(Inside card) - What the hell was I thinking

11. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

12. Thank you for being part of my life.....
(Inside card) - I never knew what evil was until I met you!

13. Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

14. How can I say this....
(Inside card) - Your cooking kills me

15. Hooray.....
(Inside card) - You're divorced.

16. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened...
(Inside card) - Especially since you survived.

17. Congrats on getting married...
(Inside card) - It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.

18. Someday I hope to marry...
(inside card) - Someone other than you.

19. We have been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

May I know the time please?

I got bored by reading papers so was going through iitb.h to get some refreshment :-) and here is what i found
-------------


Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?

Old Man: Certainly not.

Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to lose,if

you tell me the time?

Old Man: Yes, I may lose something if I tell you the

time.

Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?

Old Man : See, if I tell you the time you will

definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will

ask me the time.

Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will

ask my name and address.

Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were

just passing by and came into wish me.

Then as a courtsey, I will offer you a cup of tea.

After my courteous approach you will try to come

again.This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has

made it.?

Young Man: Possible

Old Man: Then I will tell you that my daughter has

and I will then have to introduce my young and pretty

daughter to you & you will admire my daughter.

Young Man: Smiles. ;)

Old Man: Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter

again and again. You will offer her to go out for a movie together and a

date with you.

Young Man: Smiles

Old Man: My daughter may start liking you and start

waiting for you. After meeting regularly you will fall in

love with her and propose her for marriage.

Young Man: Smiles

Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me

about your love and ask for my permission.

Young Man: Oh Yes! And smiles

Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my

daughter to a person like you who does not even own a
watch.

Few Jokes

Hi,
Posting a few jokes from iitb.h
-------------------------------------
Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Santa: Tipu's skeleton.
Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child
-----------------------------------------
� Gabbar: Kitne admi they?
Sambha: Sardar 2
Gabbar: Mujhe ginti nahin aati, 2 kitne hote hain?
Samba: Sardar 2, 1 ke baad aata hai
Gabbar: Aur 2 ke pehle?
Samba: 2 k pehle 1 aata hai.
Gabbar: To beech mein kaun ata hai?
Samba: Beech mein koi nahi aata>
Gabbar:: To phir dono ek saath kyun nahin aate?
Samba: 1 k baad hi 2 aa sakta hai, kyun ki 2, 1 se bada hai.
Gabar: 2, 1 se kitna bada hai?
Samba: 2, 1 se 1 bada hai.
Gabbar: Agar 2, 1 se 1 bada hai to 1, 1 se kitna bada hai?
Samnba: Sardar maine aapka namak khaya hai, mujhe goli maar do
------------------------------------------------
What is the height of Flirting?
It's When your love letter starts with: TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN
------------------------------------------------
Ganguly�s Son: Yeh Kya, Daddy Sixer pe Sixer maare jaa rahe hain Hain?
Ganguly�s Wife: Arey beta, yeh toh ADVERTISEMENT Hai !

� U luv sumone... u marry sumone else. The one u marry becomes ur wife
or husband & the one u loved becomes the password of your emai id...!

-----
� Ab tak meri life ek khuli botal thi, jis mein se sab perfume ki tarah
ud jata tha. Par aap ke aane se sab kuch ruk gaya. Bhagwan kare aap
jaisa DHAKKAN sabko miley

� Baniye ki wife bimaar thi, light na hone ki wajah se usne candle jala
di aur bola: Doc ko lene jaa raha hun, agar tumhe lage ki tum nahin
bachogi to plz candle bujha dena
----------------------------------------
Teacher to class: A for?
Class: Apple
Teacher: Jor Se Bolo
Class: Jai Mata Di
----------------------------

Original Joke : life kya hoti hai?

Hi,
so here I am back again after several days of rest. I was not exactly resting much as I am busy with my MTech report submission right now. Anyways, here goes yet another incident of gupta's humour.
------------------------------
Me, Gupta and Sushil went to Laxmi to have our dinner. Sarat joined after a few minutes. We all were having our dinner, talking, sharing jokes.. Suddenly, Gupta asked sarat "Tune kabhi dange ( riots ) ka samna kiya hai?", "No", answered sarat in a baffled manner. "Tune kabhi baadh ( flood ) ka samna kiya hai?", gupta went on without giving any clue what was this all about. "No". "Tune kabhi akaal ( draught ) ka samna kiya hai? ". "No". We all were trying to know gupta's intentions. "Tune kabhi bhukamp ( earthquake ) ka samna kiya hai?". Sarat replied in negation again. Gupta" To tuje kya pata life kya hoti hai???!!!!", everybody bursted out laughing.

During all this time I observed that all the calamities gupta mentioned about happened in gujarat during not so distant past. So I was feeling a little proud of myself to have faced some of the danger situation gupta had mentioned. I could not resist my feeling and went on to cut my leg with my own axe, "Maine ye sab ka samna kiya hai" I told gupta with a glimpse of pride and enthusiasm.

Gupta "Phir bhi tuje nahi pata life kya hoti hai???!!".
--------------------------------

Original Joke : Cartoon super hero

Hi,
I am back from my vacation at home. I know it's been a while since I posted anything over here but sometimes it is better to remain disconnected for a while:-)

Writing below the proof of saket's quick witted humour

-------------------------------------------
Before I start writing anything let me tell you that gupta is a very huge fan of batman. By word "huge" I dont mean to refer to his body :D. It just refer to the amount of madness he posses for batman.

Saket ane Gupta were sitting in kaksha lab. Gupta ,in his usual enthusiastic style, was describing batman and his qualities. After describing batman as an ideal super hero, gupta asked saket in anticipation " Saket, what is your favourite cartoon super hero?". "You!!!" said Saket wihtout even taking time to think :D.
---------------------------------------------

Original Joke : The Longest Hour ...

There are times which make us think about how we take things for granted. How we forget about everybody else who may be craving for water and use it carelessly just because we have it in abundance. You must be thinking what is with all this preaching. Ok, let me come straight to the point.

Today began just like any other day. As usual sun rose (for me ) at 10:00. After answering nature's call and brushing my teeth I went back to my routine, that is, to sleep again. If it was not for the pressure, do you think I would be up so early?? I was having a dream about kite flying when my sleep was interrupted by keyur's knock on my door. You all still must be puzzled "what does all this have to do with the longest hour?". Chill out, have patience, I am just coming right there.

I had my lunch and after a couple of hour pressure was building up in my intestine. So I carried the bottle of dettol liquid hand wash to the rest room. So far so good, isn't it? I went in there, finished my business, opened the tap and ooops!!! Just one moment ago I was living my life happily and now I was cadaverous. Seemed like my whole world was on the verge of termination. Was it a sign of a doom's day or was I over-reacting? Yes, you guessed it right. Not even a single droplet of water came out the tap.

They ask you about a zillion different weird situation at SRT ( Situation Reaction Test ) in SSB ( Services selection board ), but this kind of situation never made its way in SRT. May be none of the officers had to encouter such problems or may be because there is no right answer for this. Even if any of them had faced such a situation, who would want it to be shared publicly? Hey, I am writing all this things down here in the public interest.

Someone really said it true that we dont remember GOD unless we are in trouble. If this is not a trouble then what is? I was praying to god earnestly to come to the rescue. Of course, I felt very shameful to remember GOD at such a place and in such a situation. Lekin marta kya na karta!!

As I had nothing else to do there, I started thinking!! My mind experienced an an avlanche of thoughts. Boy I wished I had been in america, at least I could have had some tissues to clean out my a** and I could have come out of the cubicle(!!). I started to realise how it must have felt like being in a gas chamber.
I composed myself and started consoling me. "Hey, someone else might have trapped also". "Sooner or later, somebody would realise that there is no water supply and will inform security to start the water pump". So I decided to be in there until I get help. How was I supposed to know that it would take an hour?? My legs started to go numb. At each passing moment hope of getting any help was fading. That was not the place I wished to die!!.

All of a sudden, a sweet sound filled my ear with a feeling of exuberance. That was the sound of a droplet of water colliding with the bottom of a mug. My heart was filled with ray hope. I was not even half as eager to know my 12th std score as I was to hear the sound of a cascade coming out of the tap. Finally, my patience paid off. Freedom, the most beautiful word in this world.


So guyz, what did we learn from this story?
1) Precaution is better than cure : always check whether enough water is there in the rest room before you order your artillary to attack pakistan.
2) Save water : Because can you imagine what could have happen in its absence?

Original Joke : Gupta v/s Orange

Hi,
It's been quite a while since I was away from blogging. I know, I have missed many interesting incident that I should have written over here. Writing down a couple of incidence of gupta's invincible humour.

-------------------------------------------
Gupta talked to me one day about a new victim of his humour. He was describing how he stumped a girl from orange who called him regarding advantages of post-paid plans. Here is how it goes....

It was early morning ( Though it was 10'o clock, it must be considered early morning according to gupta's routine ) when gupta's mobile rang.

xyz : Hello sir, sorry to disturb you but I will only take two minutes of your time.
Gupta ( he must have chuckled knowing his prey is coming on its own to be hunted :D ) : Ok go ahead
xyz : Sir, I am nisha, callling from orange. According to our records you are using our prepaid services. I guess you must be using 300 Rs Prepaid coupons to recharge your mobile phone
Gupta : Who said I am using 300 Rs Prepaid coupons to recharge my mobile??
xyz : Oh... then which coupon do you use to recharge?
Gupta : 500 Rs
xyz : Ok sir, if you using 500 Rs coupon then you must be getting talk time around 300 but according to our new scheme....
Gupta ( interrupting the girl ) : Who said that I get talk time of only 300 on 500 rs coupon?
xyz ( quite puzzled by now ) : Ok sir, so under which scheme are you using 500 rs coupon?
Gupta : Sorry young lady, your two minutes are over :D

Things do not finish here. Just after a few days of this incidence achyut came to visit IIT. We all went to anudeep's place by bus. Gupta shared his tale of above mentioned encounter with an orange girl. Just then an idea popped in my mind and I blurted it out. "Gupta, ab ki baar agar vo phone kare to use bol ki, 'why don't we discuss this over a cup of coffee?' ". I just mentioned my thought to him casually, hardly have I known that his mind made a note to implement it as soon as an opportunity arrives.

He did not had to wait too long for the same. The opportunity rang on his mobile ( or knocked his door.. or whtever you call it is ) . I was sitting there in his room checking my mails. He was fast asleep because the sun was not set yet :D. Tring tring... tring tring...( Now, this is not how his mobile rings .. but I do not know how to mimic it in words.. so you have to bear with me ). Gupta woke up with an unpleasant expression, ( He must be thinking in a rage " Kis gustakh ne aisi harkat ki hai?? " ). "Hello Sir, I am nisha speaking from orange, I wanted to let you know about a new postpaid plan which is ... " said a girl with a sweet, calm voice ( without having any clue of what is going to happen the next moment ) was interrupted by gupta. "Why dont we discuss this over a cup of coffee?? ". There you go my friend... I was laughing my a** out uttering in my mind "ye laga chhakka aur gupta phir champion". Obviously the girl was stunned and could not speak anything for at least 7-8 second. She said "Oh! my GOD!!!" after composing herself a bit. She repeated the phrase a couple of more times. "Sir please, pahele plan sun lijiye" she pleaded. "So you dont like coffeee??" said gupta, not in a mood to let go. "Sir , plan sun lijiye na... pleeeaazze", an intense pleading this time. "But I like coffee", gupta remained unaffected. Some more request from the girl and some more teasing from gupta went on for a while. Finally gupta blew her off saying he is not interested in listening to her "plans" if she is not interested in his coffee.

This made it clear to me why gupta is not having any luck with gals :D. I wonder whether there exist a girl who can understand and appreciate gupta's humour. Anyways, no wonder he has to end his day by having a cup of coffee with saket :D.

Original Joke : ek penjon le lunga!

well, here i am back after a long time. i was a bit preoccupied ( or at least was pretending to be occupied ;-) ) in my report submission work. Anyways, here it goes


Scenario : A typical IIT night. At H2 canteen at around 12:30 in the night. Me, gupta, saket and sushil were chatting. Gupta was in his usual mood of "hypothetical situation".

Gupta : To Mr Saurabh Joshi, Aap ko IIT main kaun si ladki pasand hai?
Gupta : A ) Girl1 B) Girl2 C) Girl3 D) Girl4.

( I would prefer not to put the original options .. coz gupta was at his height of imagination while providing options )

Gupta : To bataiye... kis ke sath jana chahenge aap. A, B, C ya D?

( I knew I had to choose one of the options.. not choosing an option would have given them more excuse to tease me ;-) :D. So I was puzzled by this question and was wondering what to say! )

Gupta : Bahut confused dikh rahe hai? Life line use karna chahenge?

( I still did not answer .. to save myself from being teased anymore I knew I had to give answer very very cautiously )

Gupta : Audience poll lena chahenge aap? Oh... Aur results hai? A) 25% B) 25% C) 25% D) 25%
Badi hi kathin samasya me fans gaye hai aap. Audience poll aap ki kuchh khas madad nahi kar sakta. Aisi situation me aap kya karenge?

Sushil (out of the blue) : Aasan hai, ek penjon le lunga ( !!!! :-O :D :-)) )
(This was a punch line of an ad of a painkiller 'penjon')

original joke : woh moti ladki!!

it's me again. this incident actually happen before the one that i described in my last post.
------------------
Me, saket and gupta sitting in kaksha lab working on our MTech projects. Me and saket got kind of tired of coding so we started chatting a bit.. while gupta is still burried deep into coding.

Saket : kya re, kitni ladkiyan teri frenz thi college me?
Me : thi.. thodi bahut
Saket : jaise ke?
Me : meri singing partner thi ek ..
Saket : sahi hai...( with giving me a meaningful look ) .. fir age kuchh hua ke nahi?
Me : !! age kya hona tha.. bas.. achchhi friend thi .. aur kya?
Saket : aise hi pyar ho jata hai... vo pandit ( one guy from ee dept ) pata hai na aaj kal ek ladki ke saath ghumta hai?
Me : achchha .. kaun woh moti ladki?
Saket : ha.. vohi.. shadi karne vale hai dono
Me : kya baat hai?
Saket : ha... bas aise hi ... pandit achchha gata hai.. to iit ke musical programs me, practice me hi unki mulakat hui .. aur fir dosti pyar me badal gai
Me : sahi hai.
Saket : aur sale soch. tune kya kiya... ek bechari ladki ne samne se tere ko propose kiya.. aur tune use thukra diya.. ( refering to the loveletter that i got in my BE second year )
Me : abe kya re... vo umar me pyar-vyar kuchh nahi hota.. sirf attraction hota hai
Saket : abhi kuchh bhi mat bol ha... tab use thukra diya.. aur aaj mara mara ghum raha hai.. soch zara soch.. agar tune vo ladki ko ha bola hota.. to aaj tu aish kar raha hota .. uske sath tu ghumta.. romatic bate karta.. tuje pata hai tune ek galati karke kya khoya hai?
Gupta ( speaking out of the blue ) : woh moti ladki !!!!

original jokes : But mom... she is hot!

well,
here i am back again after a long time. i just wanted to write down the original jokes that i encountered in my conversation with my friends. i must say that i will miss my life at IIT .. i mean.. where i am going to find such a humour ? anyways.. here goes the real incident
--------------------------------
Me, saket, keyur and vaibhav gupta were out for a dinner at swarna restaurant. Just discussing about lifes and all. A topic came out whether i will be doing a love marriage or an arranged marriage.
Saket : ha, sidha ja ke bolega..ma ye tumhari bahu hai
Me : are nahi yaar, direct aisa nahi... agar muje pasand aayi koi ladki to main bolunga ki mom muje ye ladki pasand hai.. aap ki kya rai hai?
Gupta : aur agar mom ko pasand nahi aayi to?
Me : to fir shadi nahi karne ka.. simple
Gupta : sale, tu khudgarz insaan hai.. zara soch us ladki pe kya bitegi.
Me : tu muje ye bata ki tu meri jagah hota to tu kya karta
Gupta : matlab?
Me : suppose tuje koi ladki pasand aa gayi
Gupta : is she hot? ( the same way joey does in friends )
Me in my mind : #$%&@
Me : ye hamesha galat detail me jata hai
Me : achha to bata ki tuje koi pasand aa gayi
Gupta : but is she hot???
Me : ya ( sigh )
Gupta : ha.. ab bata
Me : to tuje koi ladki pasand aa gayi aur teri mom ne mana kar diya to kya bolega
Saket : But mom.. she is hot!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We were having ice cream at "naturals". I asked everybody...
Me : kisi ko aur koi ice cream chahiye kya?
Gupta : main chickoo ice cream lunga
Saket : main mango
Me : (offering my hand for handshake to him ) main saurabh (!!!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Discussing about why IISc is a better place than IIT.
Gupta : IISc me achchhi research hoti hai kyu ki vaha pe jungle hai (!! :-O )
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am really gonna miss the original humours like this.. there are many many more.. which we have enjoyed and forgotten but almost each such joke/comment/PJ is a marvelous piece in itself.

Why they get paid so much at help desk..

====
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
====
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button ?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... sorry .
====
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left ?
====
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you ?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me ! I'm not Bill
Gates damn it !
====
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it
says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in
front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
====
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer ?
Customer: No.
====
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am ?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
====
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly ?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's
happening.
====
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer ?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you ?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard ?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work !
====
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
====
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password ?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was ?
Customer: Five stars.
====
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use ?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
====
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears !
====
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you ?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you
please tell me how long it will take before you can help me ?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem ?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4
hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me ?
====
Helpdesk: How may I help you ?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem ?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around
it ?

Making of a Programmer ..

Billy's Mom's Letters
The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:
Dear Mr. Dvorak:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get
the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and
explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year
old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp
for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps
with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There
were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military
camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him
into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable
picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of
it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP!
We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left
three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain
it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters.
Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good
part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to
program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.
Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get
to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you
make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the
flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's
spellchecked too.
Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of
the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan
'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in
the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food
too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.
Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp
ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny.
He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I
spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to
chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a
computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.
Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I
haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any
computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in
less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me
how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I
shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed, William.
Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't
gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I
was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that
you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A
publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six
weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards, William.
Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old.
It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can
make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government
computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your
only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.
Sincerely, William.
See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy.
What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my
little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD
from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very
much.
Sally Gates,
Concerned Parent

Healthy place!!

Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in Florida.

In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver... "Say, is this really a
healthful place?"

"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I
had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a
room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"Wow. That's wonderful!" said the tourist , "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."

iitb.humour.. rocks :-)

Definition of Democracy

DEMOCRACY
By the "people", for the "people" , of the "people"
where all three "people" are different entities.

got it from iitb.g again.. ;)